On Abstinence
Our thinking is that abstinence can be an interval rather than a life sentence. In a 12-step program, which is again a time-honored and very respectable way to go about drinking cessation, one decides that one can never, ever drink again. The consequences of drinking are shattering for some, and so lifetime abstinence is the best plan.
But what if a man or woman somewhere in midlife goes through a period where they just want to be “numb”? This is a very human experience, and one that should be treated with understanding. Where there is the desire for numbness, there is pain, fear, anxiety, hopelessness, anger, or a tiredness of the soul that can be next to impossible to bear. The desire for numbness leads this person to excessive drinking, and the brain develops a habitual craving for alcohol in response to the precipitating feelings, and then there’s the remorse about drinking, and the cycle begins….
If this person can successfully navigate through this phase, does he or she need to swear off weddings, parties, happy hours, ball games, funerals, promotions, cruises, birthdays, ribbon cuttings and honeymoons for the rest of their days? According to 12-step, yes. According to Done With Drinking, no. According to Done With Drinking, it’s not about the alcohol, it’s about the mood, and the chain of mood-thought-behavior that leads to excess drinking. Not drinking is not going to make the mood problem go away, is it?
Therefore, the Done With Drinking approach strives to uncover the mood, and the factors behind the mood that are both situational and unconscious. This isn’t voodoo or New Age. The fact of the matter is that almost all psychological practices are based on a psychodynamic, or Freudian-like, set of principles. Even Cognitive-Behavioral psychology, the work of Aaron Beck, PhD and other greats, uses techniques to help the patient and practitioner discover the deepest held beliefs about self-worth—beliefs that were engendered before the person had say-so over them. (The concept of below-conscious feelings was heavily explored by Freud.) As we go about life, we unconsciously react in a pre-set way to the events of our lives, according to these beliefs. That’s why drinking too much isn’t really just about the way our boss treats us, or the fight we have with our spouse time after time. It’s a combination of the way we feel about ourselves in the present and deeply held feelings of which we are probably unaware. As we seek to obliterate, what we are really doing is trying to escape feelings we don’t even know we have.
People go through phases, and with those phases come good and bad moods; periods of wellness followed by injuries, and successes and setbacks. People find themselves dealing poorly with habits, ruts, horrid learning curves and other unpleasantries, before eventual healing and transcendence. If one has misused alcohol to help them through a phase, chances are they have a residual problem even once their situation is adequately resolved. This is why “problem drinking” sometimes feels as if one was broadsided. People sort of expect to have some problems in life, but don’t necessarily expect problems due to the problems. A drinking problem can come seemingly out of nowhere, and can happen to perfectly normal, even outstandingly sweet and bright, people, from every walk of life. This is also the reason why no one need feel alone when they find themselves in this predicament.
In fact, if you have come to the place in life where you are asking yourself if you have a “drinking problem”, you are probably quite gifted in the capacity for self-knowledge. Believe it or not, not everyone can piece together the idea that their moods may be driving their drinking. If you can imagine this, then you have the basic skills you need to get past it.
One problem a lot of people encounter when they try to control their drinking is that they stop at the level of intellectual understanding: “I know I drink too much because I am depressed” feels like the end point to them, so they quit treatment. But in actuality, this is just the opener. Anyone can understand the basic concept “I drink too much because of this and that, and I should stop because of this and that reason”. Going deeper; learning about the core person; understanding invisible cues in the environment, and knowing how to karate chop them out of the way—this is the real work.
The great Stanton Peele, JD, PhD, talks about “maturing out”. We like this concept because we agree that most people will eventually figure out a way to stop their unhealthy behavior. But even Dr. Peele knows that it is pointless to spend a lot of years waiting for it to happen, meanwhile wrecking one’s life, health, looks, career, marriage, children, and finances. So what we have created is a conceptual blend of allowing the person to mature, a la Peele, and a soothing practitioner-client collaboration that kick starts the process through self-discovery.
Abstinence and moderation are both perfectly acceptable goals. We help you determine which is right for you. Slipping, or having a drink between sessions, will not be “punished”. We know that habits are not banished with ease, and again, that you are in the midst of a complicated process that deserves respectful understanding.
